('This posting has been deleted by craigslist staff.' - it's THAT good!)
Here's an excellent example of what men object to, in the domestic violence debate; this pseudo-scientific questionnaire, below, from the University of Illinois at Chicago.
Domestic Violence Relationship Quiz
It is absurd domestic violence and relationship quizes like this - designed to help muddle undergraduates' thinking on these matters, and itself, lacking in critical thinking - which really annoy us.
The whole document reeks of incomplete sentences calculated to include the largest possible number of men conceivable in the category being described - carefully disguised with gender-neutral language, of course.
At the bottom, it says:
If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you could be in an abusive relationship, or a relationship that could become abusive. Remember, we don't believe you deserve to be abused, no matter what. Together we CAN find a way ...
The problem us engineering types have with these sorts of instructions is that they are so vague.
We'd like it a lot better if the instructions said, "Assign the value '1' to each question that you answer 'yes' to. Add up all the answers. If you score 10 or more, see a lawyer. If you score 28 out of 28, your life is in immanent danger - leave the house now!"
... No, with this quiz, there are no hard or fast limits - even if you score 28 out of 28, there's no indication you're at any particular risk ... and even if you score a total of ZERO, you are still, theoretically, at risk, and should contact them, TODAY!
It's not too hard to read that as a shallow attempt to recruit, primarily, women ... to a fundamentally political cause - radical feminism, disguising itself as a public health matter ... when, in fact, it is an assault upon the credibility of the (predominantly male) political power structure ... man by man, men are being targeted, disarmed, and made the focus of the crowd's unreasoning anger - a lynch mob mentality, wrapped in legalisms and sanctimony.
Apparently the incomplete sentences and emotionally loaded language only work on native English speakers, however; my wife was left unmoved by the quiz's transparent attempts to persuade her that men are foreign objects, to be feared, and hated. Hooray for the women of the Third World!
Here's the quiz!
Relationship Quiz
Do you feel nervous or fearful in your relationship?
(And isn't this a personal, IE, subjective, problem, the sort of thing you should be discussing with your therapist instead of projecting, without reason, upon your significant other - whatever their gender, or orientation?)
Are you afraid of your partner's temper?
(Note how the question does not distinguish between fear of provoking someone to anger, and fear of getting hurt, as a result of provoking someone to anger.)
Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid his/her anger? Do you feel like you are always walking on eggshells?
Are you afraid to say No to sex?
(And is it because you want the relationship to work, or is it afraid that you will be raped? And what are you doing sleeping with someone who you think is going to rape you, anyway?)
Do you feel powerless in your relationship?
(And isn't this a personal problem that can only be resolved through personal work and self-improvement?)
Are you scared of disagreeing with him/her?
(And isn't this a personal problem that can only be resolved through personal work and self-improvement?)
Are you afraid to break up with your partner?
(And isn't this a personal problem that can only be resolved through personal work and self-improvement? My wife says that, of course!, anyone who's invested ten years in a relationship would have to be insane to not be concerned about protecting and cherishing that relationship. Who wouldn't be afraid to lose someone they loved? As asked, this question is a guaranteed 'yes' ... but answering it has contributed absolutely nothing to the debate over domestic violence - which this quiz is supposed to have something to do with!)
Does s/he criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people?
(And doesn't this have more to do with your partner's insecurities, than it does with any tendency towards violent behavior?)
Does s/he check up on you or question you about what you do without him/her?
(And doesn't this have more to do with your partner's insecurities, than it does with any tendency towards violent behavior?)
Does s/he act controlling?
(And doesn't this have more to do with your partner's insecurities, than it does with any tendency towards violent behavior?)
Does s/he repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing other guys/women?
(And doesn't this have more to do with your partner's insecurities, than it does with any tendency towards violent behavior?)
Does s/he tell you that if you changed s/he wouldn't abuse you?
(What sort of abuse are we talking about? Is this, like, after you've read this poster, and gone home, and accused them of abusing you, and they make the mistake of using the word 'abuse' and, unknowingly, affirm, in the mind of this poor, weak person, that, yes, they are being 'abused'?)
Does s/he act jealous of the time you spend with other people?
(And doesn't this have more to do with your partner's insecurities, than it does with any tendency towards violent behavior?)
Does s/he make you feel like you are wrong, stupid, crazy, or inadequate?
(And, before you answer that question ... have you been seeing a therapist? If so, for how long? Do you spend a lot of your time thinking about yourself and brooding over things that were said, or done, years ago? And, do you suppose this might have anything to do with your partner's choice of words?)
Does s/he call you names?
(Yeah, I call my wife 'pumpkin', and a few other, more intimate names that I'll refrain from mentioning. Do these count?)
Does s/he ignore your feelings?
(And, before you answer that question ... have you been seeing a therapist? If so, for how long? Do you spend a lot of your time thinking about yourself and brooding over things that were said, or done, years ago? And, do you suppose this might have anything to do with your choice of words?)
Has s/he ridiculed your most valued beliefs, your religion, race, class or sexual preference?
(And have you bothered to defend them? Or did you just repress it ... and if so, is that really your significant other's problem, seeing as you neglected to do your part, and share your own feelings on the subject?)
Has s/he ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior?
(And, if so, were you frightened enough to call the authorities, or tell anyone what happened? ... Or, is this one of those situations where you slept on it, thought about it, chewed on it for a few days, let your outrage grow, until you were ready, and able, to emit the intensity needed to get the attention that you craved?)
Does s/he tell you what to wear, or how to do your hair?
(And are they good suggestions? I mean, 'Please comb your hair', or 'You need to take a shower, I can smell you from across the table', are the sorts of things that mothers say to their adolescent sons - should the sons go get domestic violence restraining orders against their Moms, alleging emotional abuse?)
Does s/he prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?
(And if so, why? Or isn't that part of the answer? I mean, 'Please stop going out, because you always end up getting drunk with your pool buddies, and if one of them pulls out some cocaine, I won't see you until Sunday morning' is hardly a comment made from the basest of motives, now, is it?)
Do you feel that, with him/her, nothing you do is ever good enough?
(And if so, isn't that part of being with an over-achiever? Why did you go to a cutting edge college, if you only wanted to meet someone who went easy on themselves, and was always looking for a reason to stop and have a beer? You could have gotten a quick and easy degree from a cow college, somewhere, and be working on your career, now!)
Does s/he say that s/he will kill or hurt themselves if you break up with him/her?
(And is this necessarily an indicator that they will hurt you? Isn't this part of free choice? What's the point of supporting the right to die, if you're only going to criminalize expressions of a desire to exercise the right to die? Does anyone else feel that this is cognative dissonance, deliberately inflicted upon an unsuspecting, unprepared, unarmed, trusting population of young women [and men]?)
Does s/he make excuses for his/her abusive behavior by saying it's because of alcohol or drugs or because s/he can't control his/her temper, or that s/he was 'just joking'?
(What sort of abuse are we talking about? Is this, like, after you've read this poster, and gone home, and accused them of abusing you, and they make the mistake of using the word 'abuse' and, unknowingly, affirm, in the mind of this poor, weak person, that, yes, they are being 'abused'?)
Does s/he hate spending time with your family and keep you from seeing your friends and family?
(And does this have anything to do with domestic violence?)
Does s/he withhold approval, appreciation or affection as punishment?
(And does this have anything to do with domestic violence?)
Has s/he manipulated you with lies?
(And does this have anything to do with domestic violence? Or is this just an attempt to provoke old angers, anew, the better to provoke someone towards doing something from a basis of revenge, retaliation, punishment, and vengeance - instead of a sober need for self-defense?)
Has s/he taken your car keys or money away?
(And does this have anything to do with domestic violence? I have seen many women do this to men; they hide the keys. and then they demand that the man leave. Hell, I suppose a few of them hide the keys, then call 911. But, let's face it, they would never be able to do this if the other person did not trust them enough to leave the keys lying about ... so, really, who's abusing whose trust, here ... and isn't that abuse, too?)
Has s/he subjected you to reckless driving?
(And what have you done about it? Did you have anything to do with causing it? Those fights over the driving wheel take two, you know.)
If you answered yes to any of the questions above, you could be in an abusive relationship, or a relationship that could become abusive. Remember, we don't believe you deserve to be abused, no matter what. Together we CAN find a way ... 312.413.8206
Changed & Used with permission from: a guide for girls on love, respect and abuse in relationships The Domestic Violence & Incest Resource Centre (DVIRC), Melbourne, Australia. (c) 1998
This article has been brought to you by the Dome$tic Violence Indu$try Industry Awareness Campaign, the fine folks who are bringing you the National Dome$tic Violence Indu$try Industry Awareness Year - see us, on the web, at www.DVIAC.org. We are supported by ongoing harassment and generous amounts of interference from WOMAN, Incorporated, elements of the San Francisco Superior Court's Family Division, and the so-called 'editorial' staff, there, at Craigslist, Incorporated - thank you!